Songs of a Second Life

Lyrics Heard Through A New Heart

Early in my awakening, in the spring of 2001, I was able to attend a wonderful gathering of transgenders and crossdressers called Esprit Gala which is held annually in the unlikeliest of places, Port Angeles, Washington located at the northern tip of the Olympic Peninsula. It was only the second time I'd been in the "real world" as Donna...and a life altering experience as well. It was truly where I was able to finally see myself, meet myself, experience who I truly was.

There are many activities that go along with the week's schedule. I'd scanned the program and had a pretty good idea of some classes I was planning to attend. Then I ran into my "Big Sister", Teri, whom I had met the month earlier at the support group dinner in Portland. "Have you signed up for Blue Monday?", she asked. "No, I was wondering what that was....", I said. "Honey, we all have to go back!". The conference would end on Sunday. Many sisters had experienced a difficult time on the Monday in which we would return to our other lives. Depressed. Sad. Blue.

I managed to avoid a Blue Monday. I hit the wall heading home that Sunday afternoon instead. I was listening to the radio when a song started up. I'd heard it plenty of times before, but frankly had never really listened to the lyrics. As the song continued, I heard the words. I felt the words. I cried. The song is "I Knew I Loved You" by Savage Garden. Now the song is clearly intended as a paean to "love at first sight", when a guy first spots a girl and is deeply smitten. Imagine, though, how these lyrics would impact the transgender woman who had just experienced her "first sight" of herself.....

"I Knew I Loved You"

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[chorus:]

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[repeat chorus]

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you

[repeat chorus to fade]

Yes, I knew I loved me before I met me...but until I saw me, how would I know...how would I feel? And yes, it does feel as though I was dreamed into life. For it was years upon years of dreams in which I had existed. Now I had become real. I was complete now that I'd found me.

The trip was nearly four hours, so there was yet another song that caused me to pull over and cry. It's "Don't Know Much" sung in a loving duet by Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville. Once again, a moving storysong about two people in love who have nothing much except their love for one another as their foundation. In the context of the transgender, one who has finally seen herself, breathed on her own for the first time, the reflections, the implied struggles, the hoped for future expressed in the lyrics are extremely meaningful.

"Don't Know Much"

Look at this face
I know the years are showin'
Look at this life
I still don't know where its goin'

I don't know much
But I know I love you
And that may be
All I need to know

Look at these eyes
They've never seen what mattered
Look at these dreams
So beaten and so battered

I don't know much
But I know I love you
And that may be
All I need to know

So many questions
Still left unanswered
So much I've never broken through

And when I feel you near me
Sometimes I see so clearly
The only truth I've ever known
Is me and you

Look at this man
So blessed with inspiration
Look at this soul
Still searching for salvation

I don't know much
But I know I love you
And that may be
All I need to know

I don't know much
But I know I love you
And that may be
All I need to know I don't know much
But I know I love you
And that may be All I need to know
...whoaoooohhhooooh

I was nearly 48 by the time I went to Esprit Gala. The years were showing on my face. And at this point as I looked at this life, I still didn't know where it was going. These eyes had never seen what mattered. There were still many questions unanswered. I was still a soul seeking salvation. I didn't know much, and yet I knew one thing. That I knew I loved (the new!) me. And that was All I Need to Know.

By the time I had returned to Portland, I knew that transitioning was where I wanted to do, needed to do. It would now only be a matter of how and when....not the lifelong dream of If.

The two songs are played much less frequently now. But when I do hear them, I pull the car over, stop surfing on the internet, stop whatever I'm doing. And cry. It's a good cry, a cry I hope I never lose.