Giving Thanks

Why I am so Thankful

I am Thankful for two loving daughters who remain in my life, for many transgenders are alienated or prohibited from contact with their children.

I am Thankful for a wonderful spouse who has seen the best and the worst of me, for many transgenders lose their partners and face difficult challenges finding new ones.

I am Thankful for my church which has given me such amazing strength and support, for many transgenders are cast out of their churches or feel unwanted in new ones.

I am Thankful for the many friends who offered continued friendship during my transition, for many transgenders are quickly abandoned by those who profess to be their friends.

I am Thankful for the many new friends I have encountered whose smiles have nurtured my growth, for many transgenders are quickly dismissed, diminished or debased by strangers.

I am Thankful for a solid house over my head, when so many transgenders - especially our youth - have no such shelter.

I am Thankful for my economic security, since many transgenders are terminated from employment and have immense hurdles to leap to obtain adequate, new employment.

I am Thankful for my safety, as this year we added 31 names of transgender souls to those who have been murdered.

I am Thankful for my special sisters with whom there is our unique bond, for many transgenders are in isolation, without support.

I am Thankful for the many caring therapists who helped guide my journey and who helped pick me up when I fell so drastically, for many transgenders have no such counseling or encounter those who believe they can "cure" us.

I am Thankful for the allies who are steadfast in their support and advocacy, for there are those willing to exclude transgender people from full participation in the American experience.

I am Thankful.

Guide Us to a Place

"The Prayer"

I have been actively involved in the preparation and organization for our local Transgender Day of Remembrance gathering this coming Thursday evening. It is a deeply emotional and solemn task to undertake. As I write, there are now 30 names to remember for this past year. Most murdered simply because that they were different.

This past Sunday, I had the wonderful opportunity to enjoy the fellowship of a Unitarian/Universalist church and had the privilege of addressing the congregation about the violence that transgender people experience - murder only being the at the top of those who trangress against us.

At the service, they read the List of Names and for each I could recall the stories of their tragedies. Angie Zapata - killed for being an "it". Kellie Tellesford - her murder was acquitted using the trans-panic defense. Patrick Murphy and Stacy Brown - two transwomen in two different cities both shot in the head on the same night of violence. Sanesha Stewart - repeatedly stabbed by an attacker who gave police a "trans-panic" excuse. And for all the names, tears for each.

I began to recall a very lovely song, the music composed by Carol Bayer Sager and David Foster with lyrics in English and Italian by Guido Morra. Several versions have been performed, one notably by Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli, but my favorite is done by Charlotte Church and Josh Groban.

I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your Grace
To a place where we'll be Safe.

I pray we'll find your light
And hold it in our hearts
When stars go out each night

Let this be our prayer
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your Grace
To a place where we'll be Safe.

We ask that Life be kind
And watch us from above
We hope each soul will find
Another soul to love

Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child

Needs to find a place
Guide us with your Grace
Give us Faith so we'll be Safe.

I find this song to be incredibly appropriate to the purpose of Transgender Day of Remembrance, especially as it engages my faith journey. Yes, we seek your grace to find a place that's Safe. For these 30 lost souls, there was no Safe.

Amen.

Do I Dare Hope?

What lies ahead?

I will admit listening to President-elect Barack Obama's victory speech and getting a little tearful. It was moving, powerful and optimistic. He stayed true to his overarching message of Hope, and a hope that for many in the transgender community had all but flickered out. I will also admit that I did not vote for him - or any presidential candidate this year - as I have adopted the philosophy that I will not support "promise" only "deed". To that end, I did not find where he had acted on our behalf - with the only exception of the inclusive Matthew Shepard Act.

His stated belief of one man/one woman for marriage - while supporting a "separate but equal" process for gays and lesbians - gave me pause. Just as his reasoning behind that position citing his Faith. This is not a commentary about his former paster, Rev. Jeremiah Wright as I understood and appreciated the fiery minister's declaration of "God Damn America". But his church was not Open and Affirming - the United Church of Christ's formal declaration of embracing LGB and T souls in the congregation. Indeed, Rev. Wright held some views that could be termed homophobic. I've yet to encounter the homophobe who miraculously embraced transgenders.

So I offer up this message to the pending President. You said "Yes We Can". Will you? Yes, we do have Hopes. Our hope is for passage of the Matthew Shepard Act so that we may be safer in our lives. Our hope is for passage of an inclusive ENDA so that we may provide for ourselves and our families. Our hope is for abandonment of the Read I.D. Act so that we may maintain full citizenship rights in this Land of the Free. Our hope is for proper medical insurance coverage and mental health reform so that we may obtain affordable, appropriate physical and emotional care. Our hope is for a leader and a government that honors our dignity, respects our authenticity and desires our talents.

Sorry to say, I won't be holding my breath. First, there are many Democrats still around from the early, heady days of the Clinton presidency. Shortly after assuming office, the Clinton administration, with a Democratically controlled House and Senate, obligingly embarked on a number of liberally minded intiatives - some with some success and some with utter disastrous results. Remember "Hillary's Health Care Plan"? In two short years, the GOP overwhelmed the balance in Congress and we have been paying for that ever since. Until today. It would be politically appropriate for President Obama and the new Congress to adopt a "go slow" approach for some issues. But one of those issues is likely to be Our Hopes.

Second, election results in California, Colorado, Florida, Arizona and some local fights, show that LGB and T issues may still be a bit politically toxic to touch. Thus, there is an additional reason to, perhaps push Our Hopes to the back burner for awhile. And I fully expect the bulk of LGB issues to predominate whatever efforts that are undertaken - specifically the repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act (thank you Mr. Clinton!) and "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (again, thanks Bill). After the ENDA betrayal in 2007, you think Our Hopes will even remain on the back burner - or, once again, get shoved under the bus?

I will remain hopeful, for a loss of hope leads to despair. But I will be realistic in my expectations as well, for hope that is betrayed is even worse. The next step will be action, not the offer of more "hope". Yes you can...now Do.

The Transgender Gene?

Science or Hokum?

The transworld is all a dither about a report in Biological Psychiatry that suggests there is a "transgender gene" that has been identified. Some suggest this "validates" our experience, others worry about tests that could prove harmful. Me? I'm just gonna be a wet blanket. Not only am I not all that excited about it...in fact I'm quite skeptical.

First, they report finding only that the gene variation (regarding a gene string thought to have impact as an androgen receptor) is noted more often in MtF's than the control group. So some/many MtF's did NOT have this genetic string and some/few of the control group did. I'm no geneticist, but I did a pretty good job in logic in college. Some is not all and neither is many. So if there are some who do not have the gene variation (which some reports have labeled a "defect" - another reason not to trust these reports) then one cannot claim this is THE cause. At best, it may be ONE cause. Or it just may be total bupkus.

Also, in reading the report it referenced the AR gene structure in how it *might* relate to "masculinity" and/or "femininity". Those are sociologically constructed gender roles, NOT personal identity factors. Many of us are/were very "masculine", just like many gay males are quite "masculine" and many lesbian women are "feminine". So once again, behavior is confused with status.

I first read about this via the BBC website - which you can find here:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7689007.stm

That page will also link you to an "authoritative" study from 2000 by Professor Richard Green of Imperial College in London who said that MtF's had certain traits in common - lefthandedness, late birth order and an abundance of maternal aunts. Of course, I'm right handed, first born and had no maternal aunts.

And I recall an article in the San Francisco Chronicle about Dr. V.S. Ramachandran's theory of a "phantom pain" connection and his rather egotistic declaration ""Those who study transsexuality tend to be territorial because they themselves have made so little progress. There is no literature that illuminates the underlying mechanisms, other than psychological mumbo jumbo. And then someone comes striding in and spends two weeks solving the riddle. It must be infuriating." I don't think so, but I'll give him props for "psychological mumbo jumbo"!

As someone who offers what I believe to be a rather credible presentation on transgender understanding, I come across a lot of these studies and research efforts. Some may have merit, most probably don't. Ours is an existence that lends itself to a lot of "pseudoscience" either by those trying to make a name for themselves or by those like Focus on the Family that have a clear agenda to support. In fact, I recently gave a presentation to a local college class. One of the student's memos that were forwarded on to me was from someone not terribly supportive, which is okay by me. What is not okay was his belief this was due to a sexual trauma earlier in my life....'cuz that's what he'd heard. So here is someone who'd rather believe the phony myths because it neatly fits his biases, rather than attempt to understand the real science as we can best discern it.

Its hard enough to recognize true scientific discovery and breakthrough when we are constantly bombarded with stories such as this. In fact the headlines cite "transgender gene found!", when even in the article the authors suggest this may only be a connection. Thus we can't even trust the scientific journalism involved, let alone the authenticity of the scientists themselves. Is it really that important to find the "cause"? Isn't our collective existence and experience sufficient? Listen to us and you will learn. Those who don't want to listen are the ones bound and determined to deny our journeys by finding some "cause".

Mike to Christine to Mike

The Re-Transition of Mike Penner

Word is spreading today that Los Angeles Times Sports Columnist Christine Daniels is transitioning back to her former life as Mike Penner. Mike/Christine made a huge public splash with an "outing" column published in the Times back on April 26th of last year. Everything written then spoke directly to the common journey experienced by so many others over so many years. There was nothing hinting of something amiss. But clearly, something is amiss. Just what that "something" is will be the subject of speculation until Mike/Christine (and I feel absolutely frustrated that I must list the name is such fashion) speaks directly.

Magnanimous me. Charitably I will suggest, as I do underscore in seminars I present, that this is Mike's journey, not mine, nor that of the trans community at large. Our gender identity struggles have no one-size-fits-all destiny. For some like me, full transition with surgery is where my journey has led to my peace. Others transition, but have no surgery - for them that is not that important. Some continue to fashion their own personal peace by living a dual life. The journey is the individual's. For that, I will offer my best to Mike.

Clinical me. I know little of Mike/Christine's early journey. Who was the therapist involved? I won't necessarily criticize the therapeutic skill or care of the counselor (was there one at all?) for they must proceed as the patient presents their story. This isn't an exact science, it is possible that appropriate care was provided, that there was something within Mike/Christine that wasn't brought out or kept hidden. We are very good about hiding ourselves. But in looking at others who have expressed severe regrets or "gone back", most of the time there was either incompetant therapeutic service or none at all. Still, it is reported that there is about a four percent "regret rate" among us...is Mike/Christine in that slim demographic?

Economic me. Perhaps these challenging economic days are bringing an emotional stress all its own. The Times has endured many layoffs over the past few years. A new spartan ownership, a dwindling readership and advertising base and the current crisis may have initiated a controlling fear that he might be better served in his employment if he "returned". Employment is a major hurdle for many of us. If laid off, who would hire a transgender sports columnist? My guess would be that if his position is on the chopping block, this move won't stave off the pink slip.

Cynical me. Was this all a ruse? Nora Vincent wrote a somewhat successful book, "Self Made Man", about her living as a man for a year or so - although it's interesting that the paperback version listed on Amazon subtitles the book "One Woman's Year Disguised as a Man" and the hardcover edition says "One Woman's Journey into Manhood and Back". Is it possible that Mike is going to write some kind of similar "autobiography"? The trans community adoringly absorbed Christine into the sisterhood and provided access to the top transgender leaders in the country. And we are talking about a very gifted writer.

Angry me. Mike/Christine has had every advantage that so many of us never enjoyed. Just yesterday I completed preparing the list of names for our local Transgender Day of Remembrance memorial next month. With a month remaining, there are 23 names. And so many were involved in sex work - so marginalized in their lives that this was likely their only legitimate option to economically survive. Dear Mike/Christine, this isn't a "whim". You were so darned certain with that initial column - were your doubts present then?

Jaded me. Christine became the "celebrity du jour" in the trans community. Without so much as a blink of a mascara-ed eyelash, we fawned all over her. Same thing happened with Susan Stanton. Susan, it turned out, harbored some of her own transphobic sentiments. After making hay with the Human Rights Campaign (she was introduced at the HRC's presidential "debate"), Stanton's star faded rapidly thereafter with her comments. She's argued that she was misunderstood, but the egg on HRC's face - if not hers - was most evident. Did we, the trans community, adopt another "star" much too quickly? Some of us, myself included, get our so-called fifteen minutes of fame - but does that make us any "better" than those transpeople whose transitions were in the margins or the shadows?

In the end, I'll return to the first point. This is not about me, but about Mike/Christine. But I worry not only about what lies ahead for Mike, but also for the transgender community at large.

Divided Within

Why Can't We Be Friends?

I wrote in an earlier entry, "Our Ugly Truth", about how the transgender "community" has an unfortunate tendency to divide and stratify itself - post-ops are higher than pre-ops, pre-ops higher than non-ops, all "T's" above all "CD's" (cross-dressers) and everyone higher than the transvestites. Now I've encountered yet another way we divide ourselves - the transwomen vs. the transmen.

I recently became aware of a local Yahoo e-mail group for FtM's in the Kansas City area. There is one for MtF's as well, which I joined prior to coming here, but later withdrew when there got to be too much division created by various participants. Now, as someone who has provided well over a hundred talks and presentations about Gender Identity locally, I do my best to address this from both the male-to-female experience and the female-to-male. Clearly, it is much easier for me to reference the MtF part more easily since that has been my own personal journey. I sought to enlist in the local FtM group to not only learn a bit more about their journey, but become more knowledgeable about local resources - support groups, therapists, physicians, etc.

To join a Yahoo group you access their home page and, if it is a private group - and this one is - you fill out the application box with a short blurb as to why you'd like to join. A few days later the group's owner sent me an email asking for a more in-depth explanation, which I provided even though I thought it a bit odd as I had clearly identified myself as MtF and as an advocate in the initial application. According to the owner, my application had caused a bit of a stir and debate. This was noticeable in the increase in messages for the month - which is visible on the group homepage.

Another week passes by with no further communication so I sent a note to the owner to withdraw my application. His response was that maybe I could send the FtM community information (which was also part of my reason to join) through someone else who is a member. It was yet another week before I finally got the "application denied" note from him. So I'm left to wonder why. Was it because I'm a transwoman? Was it because of something about me personally? Their homepage clearly states that "SOFFA's" are welcome. That's Significant Others (those in our committed relationships), Family, Friends and Allies. I do have local FtM friends and I am definitely an Ally. So, why?

An enduring principle, first cited by Aesop nearly six centuries before Christ, is "United we stand, divided we fall". Heck it's even the lyrics to a well-known song sung by Brotherhood of Man in the early 70's - "For United we stand, divided we fall. And if our backs should ever against the wall, we'll be together, together, you and I". It's about solidarity, it's about unity, it's about community. And yet, once again, I have to say their is no "community" within the transgender world. Amazing, isn't it? We who are so deeply marginalized by society - and even by some who are gay and lesbian - can't stand together in defense or support of ourselves.

National Coming Out Day

Taking the Leap of Faith

Today is National Coming Out Day, a time when people who have been closeted are encouraged to come into the light of life, to be open, honest and authentic unto themselves. I often talk about the fact that for transgenders, there is no "choice" about coming out - only a question of "when". For our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, coming out is a matter of sharing something deeply personal - but they look the same the next day. Not so for us. Our whole lives are radically and dramatically changed. We become a physical reminder every day of our status.

And so I would ask for your special prayers for the transgenders who come Out today - and any day. The world is slowly becoming a better place for us. As more and more transwomen and transmen come out, become more visible, more and more people find role models and encouragement in making their Leap. Laws are slowly changing as well, but they continue to spread. Currently close to 40% of the population is now covered by anti-discrimination laws at the state, county or city level. And Diane Schroer last month won her federal discrimination suit against the Library of Congress, thus paving the way for transpeople to seek judicial relief on the basis of sex discrimination.

Though written for gays and lesbians, here are some prayers for those coming out, their families and their friends. Authors Leanne Tigert and Timothy Brown, in their book 'Coming Out Young and Faithful' offer these three prayers:

Prayer for Coming Out

Creator God, I am learning things all the time.
It is a gift to get to know you and your world, your beautiful creations.
I am also getting to know myself,
and I am discovering I am attracted to members of my gender - other girls (or boys). Sometimes the things I feel are strong and deep.
Sometimes it even feels like love.
Sometimes I feel scared about these feelings.
Sometimes I feel wonderful about them.
I know that I am your creation,
and you have given me a wonderful gift in my orientation.
I pray for your supporting presence as I become more comfortable with my feelings.
I pray for your guidance,
that I may know when it is the right time
for me to let other people know about this part of me.
I pray for your supporting presence if I should be rejected,
knowing that you, God who created me, will not reject me,
that you will affirm me as part of your beautiful creation.
In your trust. Amen.


Parent's Prayer

God you are the creator of the universe.
You created all that is.
You made the animals, and the fish and the birds,
you created humanity.
You created me
and you created the miracle that is my child, whom I love deeply.
I/We have just learned that s/he is gay.
I/We don't know why you created her/him this way
Help me/us not only to accept him/her
but to fully embrace and love him/her for who he/she is
I/We ask for your presence during my/our own journey with my/our daughter/son.
I/We also ask for your presence
and special protection with my/our child on her/his journey in this world,
which can sometimes be so cruel,
especially to one so different.
I/We ask your blessing on my/our family.
Amen.


A Friend's Prayer

Loving Spirit and Friend,
my friend (name) is coming out as gay.
I ask for you to be present with my friend,
to help him/her know that s/he is loved - by me, by you, and by others.
Guide my friend as s/he comes to terms with his/her identity.
Protect her/him from the cruel things people may say or do;
surround him/her with support and with your love.
Amen.

I have recently had the mothers of two transpeople contact me. One is the parent of a transwoman in her early 20's, the other of a transman still in his late teens. Both express more concern from society's antipathy and bigotry about us and how that may affect their children than the fact they're having to learn to accept their "new" child. I hope each has learned a bit more about the journey and that transpeople can and do lead healthy, productive lives. Continuing to hide, continuing the charade, continuing to bow to society's pressures is what causes destruction of the soul. Be well, be open, I hope you long bask in the light of Life.